Just a ‘Peace’ of Mind

I have many things in my mind today. I think I need to finish some office work, to finish some work in home, and to pay more attention to my daughter’s well-being, and to look after my husband in a more careful way. I feel so exhausted, so stretched. I feel like I am not good enough, not doing enough. Oh, all of this negative thinking!!

Dan Keheningan pun Datang

Ketika hati menutup bagai kelambu
Dan pedih menjalar laksana arus
Dan tetes demi tetes beruraian dari kelopak

Mata menanar akan harapan yang terbuang
tubuh kelu bagai tertutup lumpur yang mengeras
sambil bersimpuh, bibir pun tak henti mengucap tobat

Dan keheningan pun datang….

Meski terjaga, mimpi buruk selalu singgah
tetes demi tetes yang mengalir kini kering bagai padang gurun Lumpur yang membungkus akhirnya pecah, merobek daging dibawahnya
Meski hidung mencium tanah, dan bibir mu kini berteriak, tak lagi berbisik sepi, ‘aku bertobat…’

Dan keheningan pun datang….

Meski hidungmu mencium-cium aroma gosong dari dadamu,
Dan mata mu menatap nyala api di tanganmu,
Dan kakimu, pahamu, perutmu,
Dan semak berduri membelenggu jari-jarimu
Dan hatimu, satu-satu nya yang selalu kau hiraukan, yang kau abaikan, yang kau dustakan, kini memanggil, menjerit… ‘masihkah ada waktu…?’

Dan, keheningan akhirnya datang….

Love of A Family

People said that you’ll never really know what would happen in the future. But as I always said, you can always try to predict, by signs, by behavior, by habit. And this is what I always do. I predict my future. I make plans, I read the signs, I watch and observe the behavior’s surround me. That way, I can map my live and avoid as much as I can unnecessary conflict that might occur.

But for the recent years, I somehow ignore that ability. I often ignore signs and missing observing things, because I concern much on making the people I love more happy and satisfied. And now it turn out to be a very bad mistake.

I had a fight with my mother. A very big conflict that had never happen before. Actually, my husband and I were planning to go to her several times. But because I was ill, and Asha’s ill too, we delayed it. This morning, I had a visit from my in-laws. They told me that my mother was very angry form our earlier quarrel and she wanted my in-laws to warn my husband if he ever hurt me and Asha, he would have to confont her.

Disbelieving what I hear,  I called my mom right away and ask her the matters. Beyond expectation, everything I hear from my in-laws is true. And even worse, my mom even (uncounciously) added she is capable on killing anyone dare to mess around with her. She became angrier. She said that she felt insulted by the way my husband and my in-laws treated her. She also said that she could never easily forgive us for what we had done. Then, she hang up.

Implication of Hurt and Pain

I can say today is one of my worst day. But what make it strange is that, though I felt very much sad, I dont feel very much regret it. I realize completely that thing can never be the same again between me and my family. I cannot make things better between me, my husband my in-laws, and my parents.

But things has never been okay between my mom and I. We seems to have an opposite way of thinking. She conduct everything that I hate most, and I could never able to act dear to her. But nevertheless, she is my most trusted person in taking care of Asha. Because I can see that she actually had the love, she had the will, but she might be lack of wisdom and forgiveness. She view highly of herself. That makes her arrogant. She always felt she lost the love she suppose to have. Thats why she became so vicious, over-sensitive and easily get hurt when thing go beyond her.

She felt she never had the love she deserve, and she spill it out to everyone near her, her husband and children. She becomes as hard as a rock. She would hurt anyone dare to stand infront of her and she would cut them sharp and deep. She would. She did. I’ve felt it.

Every child wanted to be love. Especially by their own mother and father. They even bring this hope and expectation to be love until they grow up. But for me, I’ve stop expecting since very long ago. Because I realize, I could never expect my mother to love me the way I want her to be, same as she could never expect me to love her the way she want me to be. But my mom seems to failed on seeing this. She think I was lost. I did lost. I ran away. I ran because I couldn’t fulfill what she wishes me to be. I guess I wouldn’t have to run if she would accept me the way I am.

For every conflict that happen in my family, I never regret. It’s inevitable. What I’m sorry most is that she seems not to notice that she have people who would very happy to love her, if only she would let them. Letting them to love her in their own way, not by her way. As her daughter, despite everything that happen, I do still love her. I love her the way she is. I don’t like her, but no doubt I love her. I may no longer expecting her love, but I do expect she would somehow accept the love I offer her. It’s not perfect, it’s not shiny, it’s not even in one piece anymore. But if she is willing to open her heart, and send forgiveness, she might find that the best love lies in her future and not on her past.

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