There’s some uneasyness I felt whenever my husband had to come home late. Just like tonight.

Due to the heavy rain in Jakarta,  a tree collapsed and blocking down the railway. That causing delayed in the train schedule, even some are canceled. So mu husband must take another route in order to get home. He usually take the train from Dukuh Atas Station. But because the tree blocking the train that goes from Tanah Abang to Dukuh Atas, he must take the train from the next station. So he go to Cikini station instead.

From his text message, I learn that the event has disrupt the overall railway operation. His train goes really slow.  He just text me again saying that he just arrive in Bogor station. It’s nearly 10 pm. It’ll take another 30-35 minutes before he can reach home. It’s been raining outside. It’s cold and wet. He didn’t bring his jacket. He always refuse whenever I remind him to bring it with him. I know, Jakarta’s hot. I hope is not going to rain again. Please don’t rain. At least until he come home safely. I hope he manage to eat before taking the train. He always delaying meal time. That makes his stomach upset.

Haahh…sometimes I hope we didn’t buy this house. It’s too far from where he works. It’s too far from any places that matters. It’s far from the market. It’s far from my parents house. It’s far from the rail station.  It’s far from our friends. It’s damn far from hangout places (except if your idea of a hangout spot includes bushes and corn fields T___T )

Oh, please come home soon…

Picture is taken from here

I am usually not a fan of flat-fact lyrics like Allen does in her songs. I am more the type of positive-cheerful-dreamy kind of music. And my favorite was animated movies sound tracts ^__^  But Allen’s voice, her face line, her eyes….when I saw he, I sort had this feeling of wanna be like her. Well, Idolization was so not me.   What I mean be like her, is be like her songs. Like her lyrics. Her British-tongue. Bittersweet.

Aku mencium udara basah. Embun masih asyik hinggap di sana-sini, meninggalkan jejak-jejak bulir air di kaca jendelaku. Di ufuk, perlahan cahaya berwarna keemasan dan benderang mengintip dari balik balutan awan kapas putih. Cahayanya terpantul oleh embun kepada daun, terpantul oleh daun kepada kumbang, terpantul oleh kumbang kepada kelopak bunga, terpantul oleh kelopak bunga kepada tanah, terpantul oleh tanah kepada jendela, terpantul oleh jendela ke wajahku, dan aku memantulkannya kembali cahayanya kepada Sang Cahaya. Kuresap hangatnya dan kusimpan rapat dalam pori-pori ku. Hangat. Kubuka mataku lebar untuk menangkap semua pantulan magis itu, dan kuletakkan di dalam kepalaku, untuk kubuka jika aku sedang sendu.

Sebagai tanda terimakasih, kulemparkan senyuman. Lalu kuucapkan lirih….

Selamat pagi….

I wish to run in the middle of the rain
crying out your name for hundreds of time…and more….

I wish to see your face
to look into your eyes and seeing myself looking back…

I want to hold your hand
to sweep away the cold in your fingers
and grasp it tight until the ends of time

I wish to embrace you, offers you my soul
so you can live for a hundred years and more…

I wish to freeze the time, to send the sun away, to hold the trees from growing
because they are all meaningless without you

I wish you to forgive me
for each ignorance, for each incapability
for each passing time without me in it…

Above all thing, I wish you to be happy…

(this is something I would probably want my my kids to know when it is time for me to leave this world)

Picture is taken from here

Patience is the key to joy — Jalalludin Rumi

As one may consider that patience is something that has a limit, I have always believe the contrary. Patience does not have any limit. Once you have it, it will supply you with a forever-after. It is not being patience that’s difficult. It is obtaining those qualities. People that said that they have reach the limit of their patience, means they simply have choose  to no longer waiting or restrain themselves. Same goes for parenting.

As for my case, I usually not a patience. But having being a parents for the last 4,5 years really teaches me something.

In certain situation,  I could burst and blow, especially when something is not going as I want to or when I am facing something that is beyond my control. Such as parenting.

You know, parenting is still and always been a challenge for me. I love my daughters more than anything in the world. But they often, especially Asha, the older one, testing my self-restraint. Most cases start from a simple debate over when to shower, what to eat, when to play or nap. A simple thing that turn into disaster.

I read and know that most literature would suggest us that the best parenting is for us to listen and be patience. 

So I listen (I think). I ask her reasons for her behavior. We speak eye-to-eye. I am waiting. I am being patience (my, what a word!).

Sometimes it works, sometimes not. Because sometimes a simple “No” means “No”. No bargaining, no compromising. I am aware of Asha’s development at this phase, where she is now aware of  ”me”, “him”, “her”. I know that right now she’s developing a sense of egoism, which is a very important phase in her life that would shape her complete character later as a grown-up. That is why I often persist. When it’s a “No” for sweeties, means it is NO! This is where my patience level were often tested.

I observe that some parents sometimes give their children almost anything they ask for out of love. But that’s not how I want to raise my family. I want my children to know that when you want something, you have to try and get it. There is no free lunch. That there are time for everything. There are time for playing, time for praying, time for eating, time to bed, even time to blow tantrum.

Of course, I couldn’t possibly expect a three-years old to understand this. But I believe setting out rules around the house would  help her understand the point of all this, which is — in my version — to help her cope with her surrounding, to help her understand the world she lives in.

When being refused or not being allowed to do something, Asha is almost usually throwing out tantrums. I have to stand her loud cry.  I have to stand her screaming and whining. I have to be patience to not just say something that could hurt her or lock her away in the bathroom in order to stop her seems-endless whimper.

When it comes to parenting and being patience, I often feels like I am in a very long and winding road where I can’t see the end point.  I don’t know what comes  ahead and could only guess. It is frustrating for sure. But it is also a moment of learning. I learn that, from experience, being a parent is a learning process. No matter how many children you have, each child needs different handling. Don’t be surprise if you ends up finding yourself starting  again from the beginning.

The most important lesson for me so far is that we both parents and children are learning. We are both learning to understand each other, to see each of us as “someone that are connected and need each other and both trying to understand our surroundings with each of our roles”. And in order to do this, we — especially the parent — has to develop the quality to stop, to observe, to absorb. That is why Patience and Parenting are inseparable.

What do you think? Do you also think that patience goes hand-in-hand with parenting? Or do you think a strict imposing rule would do better?

Picture is taken from here and here

As a hotel that receives many rich-foreign guest especially from the US, and who had been a target of bombing terror not so long ago, the security was pretty tight.  They had tracking dog in every entrance. But I wasn’t experiencing any difficulties getting inside (like I am planning to do bomb or such :p ) .

So, I was attending the discussion not because I am interested to the issue, which is no doubt an important one, but because I was asked to come the day before by the organizer due to the concern of little visitors would attend. And so, there I am, watching some of the speakers delivering their ideas, argument, and figures. Some are  interesting, some are old stuff.

Although the event in overall cannot be said as a failure, I must say that it suppose to be better. They are targeting 40 invitee, instead came 30 people more or less, some of them is staff of the organizer’s institution who works in different project. Including me.

I have to say that the speaker are aimed almost perfectly. We have general director from Ministry of Trade, Head of Commission IV of the parliament, and others. It was suppose to be a very colorful discussion, and a very rich one. Although again, I cannot say that the show is a failure, it should be better.

I hope that everyone is learning form the experience. Not just seeing it from the bright side. Because as people who work for the development of Indonesia, as people who work for social cause, for a non-profit agency, we have to continue to seek for the best.

I was in the verge of unemployment for the last one month. I was on-and-off with my current occupation ever since. Well, I can just stick around until the new staff that is going to replace me is coming.

I am a nice girl

picture is taken from here

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become.”

Now I truly feel that Steve Jobs is indeed a great man, one of a kind, and the world is truly lost one of its great inventor, learner, and motivator that inspire millions of gadget- freaks in this world.

So long Steve, enjoy your next creative journey!