Few days ago was my 26th birthday, I’m no longer 25. But what’s the different, really, besides another different number to write in id card app process? Or any other app? Thus, people seldom ask how old I am. So, really, what’s the big fuss?
I didn’t mean to be pessimist. But, hey, look, 26 years old. Am I old? Of course I’m no longer teenage, but I also haven’t reach 30s, which by most women considered as an endline of youthism. I see that several company and prefer their freshmen as for not more than 25 years old. But the organization whom I use to work for mention that their junior employees and youth program participants should be between 20-35. See, some may think I’m old and some may see me as fresh as a hot-bread from the oven.
To me, 26, like the other number, is a certain point. A point where one needs to look over again the life she had been through. One needs to lookover on the people she had met during her time, or to look on the things she had done, or unable to do.
And as for me, in this certain point, I try to recall all the dreams and wishes I use to pictured in my head long ago while lying sleeply in my bed. It brings me back in to my teens memory. It’s the time when one can only wishes for everything that’s beautiful and amazing and believe that nothing, nothing is impossible.
I remember when I was in junior high, I wishes that somehow I could manage to ease the worlds sorrow by ending poverty and financial crisis (it was 1997-1999. In 1997, financial crisis hits troughout Asia and in 1998 Soeharto was force to leave his seat as president after 32 years of dictatorship. Most people were afraid of going out of their houses. Riots was happening almost everyday, everywhere. So in the day of national exam announcement, they sent the information trough post so that students wouldn’t need to leave their comfy home. Why not see the announcement trough net? Those day, internet usage hasn’t yet as popular as now). I wish that people would stop eating on each other and started to work together in making the world a better place.
Confuse?? How a junior high could possibly wishes for something like that? Well, you might think I should’ve dreamt of a cute boyfriend or a dazzling future as a career woman. Of course, like normal teenager, I dream of those thing too. But apparently those thing play insignificant role in my life today.
My teenager time was filled by the urge to prove myself to my surroundings. I wanna prove to everyone that I’m different, that I’m capable in accomplishing anything I involved in, that I’m unique, I’m smart, and so that no one should underestimated me. So I study hard and prove myself among the top of the class, even in highschool. I involved in extracurriculer activity that relates to arts, books, and self-defence. Just to prove to everyone that I’m a cultured person and that I’m capable of defending myself. Well, partly. Because actually I really do enjoy doing those activities.
I like writing and drawing comic images so I join Media Siswa club. I like to be able to help people and to give first aid so I join youth RedCross (not just because I can escape the obligation to stand under the heat during the flag ceremony every Monday. Noooo…of course not!!). I join Wushu club, despite its small members, because I’m a little bit obsessed with martial arts. I had seen a lot of chinese kungfu movies even when I was still in kindergarten. I read Kungfu Boy and Kenji and other fighting manga and anime during my teens. I also join taekwondo for a year when I was still in junior high. Everything was to add my skill in defending my self as female who is often consider as weak and vulnerable.
I guest my past was mostly filled with self-proving. But it’s not just to prove to my environment that I’m worthed, but its also meant to bring prove to the world that a person like me, a girl, a female, often considered insignificant-lower-second class, could also bear the same thing that other people (adults, and especially men) is beared.
I dreamt of becoming an activist for gender and human rights. I dreamt of working around the world to help people in needs, people who lost their homes and family through war/gun conflict, people who have no idea on how to continue their life after dealing with tragic events. I wanna help childrens throughout the world who suffers from trafficiking and force-laboring to get their rights for protection and decent life. In short, I wanna be someone worthed to anybody else.
Well, dreams aren’t always comes true. It’s funny to see that despite those wishfull time and effort, I’m now living a completely different life. I got married in 2 months after my 23rd birthday. I gave birth at 24 and I’ve been living my life as simple housewife since then.
Its been almost three years now. My days are filled with housework and taking care of my daughter. It doesn’t mean I regret for not being able to live my dream life. Because I believe everything has its lessons.
And the way I see it now, God is always have a way on giving us the things we should’ve care about, before we go into the next step. I know I have to learn to befriend myself before I go and befriend others. And the life I’m living now makes me able to see this.