I have always think that happiness and self fulfillment is something you gain, not reach. But I have never really realize it until I came to a point where I found myself feeling so lonely, and unhappy.
After my marriage, I tends to think that happiness is already around, it feels the air and all I have to do to captured it is just to breath as deep as my lung can hold. I was stupid and naive. I was young. Of course, the reality is not that simple.
In order to gain happiness you have to work on it, hard. But before that, you need to define first: What is happiness to you?
Does having a handsome husband and a bunch of children means happiness for you? Or is it when you climb to the highest ladder of your professional career? Or is it when you can balance between home and office? Or when you achieve a successful academic career? Or it’s just simply when you have enough food for your family for one day?
Each person has a different rate of happiness. Sometimes I can feel happy when my daughter is not throwing tantrum and I can relax to enjoy my afternoon tea accompanied by few pieces of chocolate biscuits, or simply a toast. I can feel happy whenever my husband throw a smile for me the moment he open his eyes in the morning, which was rarely happened. I would feel happy if my husband would send me an sms asking how I do today, which was also rare. And I am definitely happy whenever my daughter says, “I love you Mama,” to me.
To me, happiness means when the people I love show me that they love me. I am desperately need to be loved. And lack of love and affection could only breaking down my world.
This is not the first time I feel rejection from the person I loved. I tends to think I am not good enough for him. But maybe, it is not me. Maybe it is the person who doesn’t know any better to show their love for me. Or maybe they just didn’t use to show love. And this is what I am striving for the moment, to gain as much love as possible from the person I loved.