(something i felt before I gave birth to Gaea)
Lately I’ve been feeling rather guilty, mostly to Asha. The last two days I’ve been spending 1,5 million rupiah just for the baby. I bought a new baby box (since we already get rid off the old one), a baby bather (since the the old baby tub are now used for keeping other stuff), and a dozen of newborn baby clothes. Can you believe that all of that can cost me 1,5 millions?!?
We are suppose to look for a new jacket for Asha ( I lost her jacket in a taxi). But we couldn’t find one that suits her. It’s amazing to see the quality of todays garment aren’t proportional with their price. Such a high price with such a low quality. Everything looks so ‘cheap’ worthless, until you ask for the price.
And after we got the basic things we need, we rode home in a taxi. After we got home, Asha was very cranky and she develop a light fever too. I was afraid she might fall ill again. I tried my best to feed her, comfort her and put her to sleep. I promise her that tomorrow we’ll get her a new jacket though she doesn’t really care about it.
So today we took her to the nearest mall and search for a jacket. Same, the price is ridicilous and the quality is even worse. So I bought her instead a new blouse (very cute, with flower pattern, simple and doesn’t look cheap), a new slight-pink trouser, and purple-dash legging. All those three pieces cost me more than 200 rupiahs. Well, at least the fabric and the cut are quite fine. We still haven’t manage to buy her a jacket. Oh, my poor little Asha.
Then after stopping by a moment at Carrefour to buy her a new toothbrush, Asha gets very wyni. She repeatedly asking to go home. So we hurry up to go home and finally arrived with a body full of ache and restless and exhausted.
I feel something’s growling inside my tummy. I started to vomit. I haven’t had lunch and eating only a light breakfast. I feel a bit nausea so I then go to buy some ingredients to the nearest minimart to make fried rice and hoping that Asha would join me to eat. She eats very little today. But unfortunately, the fried rice instant spices that I bought were hot, and Asha couldn’t possibly eat it. Luckily we also bought banana cake at the mall, so that’s what she ate.
After that, she got cranky again. Whilst, I kinda dissapointed with my husband since I feel like I am the one who do all the things around the house and he just busy with his iPod or cellphone playing games. I also couldn’t stand the dirty floor so what the heck, I decided to sweep and mop the floor tonight, despite my aching limbs.
After I finish all my duties (sweeping, mopping, bathing Asha, cooking fried rice), I take a shower myself and then sit down to eat. I am achingly wanted to go to bed. My limbs are sore, my feet hurts, and my hips and back are unimaginable. Everytime I want to shift position while lying down in bed, I feel ache around my hips and crotch.
Finally, Asha was able to sleep. I feel so sorry I couldn’t manage to play with her more. And I am still doubting whether keeping the baby is the right thing. I still feel that Asha is the center of my life, my happiness. This pregnancy making me unable to take care of her appropriately. I should’ve been able to put her to playgroups. Instead, I keep on delaying since I needed the budget for the upcoming baby.
Sometimes, I still feel I don’t want this baby. I already have Asha and she’s all I need.
She’s all I need.